One day last fall I had a bit of a meltdown. On that particular day I had – had enough. My breaking point was right at the surface, I got triggered and I broke. There was some yelling, some kicking of random items as I stormed past, and unfortunately I had an audience. Other people to witness my loss of control. I’m not proud of my meltdown as its not my normal coping mechanism but I’m also not ashamed of it either.
What was interesting to me about my meltdown was how I felt about it afterwards. My inability to control myself in that moment kind of fascinated me. I started asking myself to put into words what I was feeling in that moment of breakdown and honestly I found it challenging to find words to adequately describe what was happening in my body and being at that moment.
The following day I woke up and decided that going out for a long ride on my horse by myself was the only next step I could see. Riding always rearranges my mood and often helps illuminate what ever I am having trouble understanding.
So I loaded Rose up in the horse trailer and off we went. The drive to the trail head is fairly long, about an hour, so I had allot of time to think along the way. On my drive I asked myself once again to put into words what I was feeling during my meltdown and the information came to me rather easily & clearly. It was simple – I was in allot of emotional pain. My soul was in pain. The whole of my being, who I am at the deepest level, was in pain. My meltdown felt like my inner most being was trying to claw its way out of my body and the interior pain I felt as these emotions were in full eruption – was nearly intolerable. It seemed my bodies only possible reaction at that moment of intensity was to erupt, to melt down – To lose it for a minute.
After this understanding of my behavior became a little clearer to me I realized that this pain that I was feeling was very old. The pain had been with me since childhood and maybe with me for longer than that. As these thoughts ran thru my mind my body finally calmed. My thoughts then shifted to the ride I was about to have. As I neared the park I gave some thought to what kind of experience I wanted to have on my ride that day. I wanted to be clear and intuitive for the ride and most of all I wanted a healing for myself. A healing for that part of me that felt deeply broken inside.
The ride was beautiful. Cool fall weather, brightly colored grape wines covering the hills with neon green grass surrounding just about everything for as far as I could see. It was breathtaking. Near the end of our ride I had the urge to stop, get off, mostly untack Rose and sit at the edge of the creek that ran along the trail. While sitting there I had the thought that my healing was on its way. I didn’t understand exactly what that meant but I knew enough to pay attention & be aware of my surroundings. I closed my eyes, breathed deeply and took it all in. I sat in the moment until it felt like it was time to move. Continue reading